Face it Lady Car Crash, it's time to hang up the meat suit

I was never a great fan of her music although there was a time a couple of years ago when I admit, she knocked out a few good tunes.

But that was about it, a couple of catchy numbers, and an array of wacky stage outfits.

There was not much competition around at the time so it isn’t surprising she shot to the top of a pretty empty pop scene.

And what? three years later?  The act has well and truly grown tired.
But as she waddles to the scrap heap, Lady Gaga is still desperately trying to get herself noticed.

It is at this point that I have to say I am not surprised.

She joins an army of Christina Aguileras, Pinks and Alexandra Burkes, who have enjoyed an explosion of success only to fizzle out unnoticed as the world grows tired of what is essentially the same old thing.

Wannabe pop singers recycled in  ever more desperate and attention-grabbing packages (Pic: Splash News).

Of course the formula Lady Gaga followed was neither unique nor original, it was cast in stone three decades ago.

And the crown was taken then, by its inventor, the original and true Queen of Pop – Madonna.

I feel sorry for the Pinks, Danniis and Katies as they prance around on stage in wacky costumes, showing their bits, hoping to emblazon themselves in pop history as unique and cutting edge.

Their stage outfits grow ever more outrageous, the sets more elaborate, and the performances more “daring”.

But when you strip them back (often literally), the copy-cat act is clear to see, only it's tacky, worn and tiresome.

Lady Gaga is the epitome of this, and her inability to maintain any credibility is growing ever more obvious.

When Madonna does it, it is polished, subtle and intriguing.

When Gaga does it, I find myself pulling an embarrassed squint, more for her than myself, as her desperate gyrations show nothing sexier than a pathetic attempt to claw at something new and different.

Sorry Gaga, but you are failing miserably, it has been done to perfection and your antics don’t come even close.

Thirty years after she hit the top, Madonna is still touring with MDNA  – showing off her slick, toned physique, her step-perfect dance routines, and her mastery for laying on a beautifully choreographed, gripping performance.

We catch a glimpse of her legendary form when she lowers her trousers to show of her, yes slightly older, but still sculpted to perfection body.

Of course, on cue, Lady Gaga does exactly the same thing in her show .

But I am sorry sweetie, watching you spill your billowing muffin top over your knickers does little more than make me want to grimace in the other direction.

Rather than seeing a risqué gesture from a music legend, it is a bit like catching a  glimpse of Pat Butcher getting changed into a bikini – not pleasant (Pic: Splash News).

Twenty two years ago Madonna set the agenda of elaborate stage performances with her legendary Blond Ambition shows.

The costumes, designed by Jean Paul Gautier, were sleek and eye-catching.

Who can forget that performance of Like a Virgin, Madonna in the now iconic silver basque on a bed of red velvet, guarded by two, brassier-wearing hermaphrodites.

Gaga, I am sorry, but watching you stagger about with guns strapped to your bulging upper torso is more than embarrassing, it’s cringe-worthy (Pic: Splash News).

Your over-the-top costumes are not cutting edge, they are just silly, and your attempts to shock are just, well, plain boring.

You are not alone though, they have all tried it.

Katy Perry once hit the stage in a silver basque, complete with hair scraped into a Madonna Blond Ambition ponytail – I had visions of the master giggling into her macrobiotic veggie stir fry.

Christina, Pink, Britney, they have all done it, and like you they have now all ballooned into obscurity.

But Gaga, you are the very worst, and as quickly as your cheap-imitation star blossomed, it is now withering with the same gusto.

You will never skim the boundaries of religious and sexual provocation, just close enough to spark a reaction but still keeping your artistic mystery intact (Pic: Splash News).

You can’t because it has already been done to perfection.

When you prance around beneath crucifixes, showing your less than lean bits, it just looks ridiculous.

When you emerge from hotels looking like you are going to a fancy dress party you don’t have people gasping at seeing a legend up close, you have groups of 13-year-old girls sniggering at you.

You don’t have music critics, journalists and university professors analysing you – you have a tiring audience of trashy , teeny pop mags wondering whether your latest bacon-sandwich suit is worth a snap or not.

And Gaga, your efforts at imitation are so transparent:

There is, and will only ever be one true master, and even she has spotted your stodgy tribute act, joking about you at her packed-out, thousand-seater shows.

Do you have a Like a Prayer, Vogue or Papa Don’t Preach among you repertoire?

Nope. Didn’t think so, in fact I can’t remember the the name of one of your tinny efforts.

Face it Lady Car Crash, you tried, and it was a brave effort for a couple of years, but it is truly time to give it up and leave it to the expert.