I have the mind of the great story-teller Stephen King to thank for that heading.
I have always loved his work and any aspiring or successful writer can but marvel at the sheer volume of material he has produced.
Not a fan of his books? You have probably still enjoyed a roller-coaster ride through his creepily dark imagination watching a film based on one of his novels, maybe without even realising it.
He has penned more than just the blood and guts horror for which he is best known - The Green Mile and Dolores Claiborne are two of my personal favourites.
You don’t even need to be an avid reader of King’s books to call yourself a fan of his work.
I have taken on a few and they can sometimes be, in my very humble opinion, a challenging read.
Often the size of the tome makes me quiver in despair before turning the first page.
Salem’s lot, a tale about vampirism in a remote and secluded American town, left me terrified to turn off the lights without a clove of garlic and a crucifix under my pillow.
I loved Cujo, fantastic film and great book, Firestarter, Christine, The Stand and The Shining all bowled me over.
One I read recently was “On Writing” - an autobiography stroke instruction manual on the craft.
There are giveaway signs of King’s previous life as an English teacher in there, for example his stickling need to obey the rules of grammar, but it is a fascinating insight into what drives one of the 20th century’s most successful writers.
As a news reporter there are fundamentals in his book that come second nature to me.
After years of having "style" drummed into me by stressed-out news editors I went on to batter it into reporters during a stint as an equally stressed-out news editor.
Example: clichés and when to used them – never.
However much they flow off the tongue in everyday conversation there is nothing worse on the printed page than a string of “at the end of the day”s or “to tell the truth”s.
“At this moment in time” may get you shot in a newsroom, and tap out “due to the the fact that....” at your peril.
Keep it simple. So many people try to say what happened in an explosion of drama when it the only thing a reader wants to know is just what happened.
Jane devoured her midday meal in the company of the man who had been married to her mother and given her life, is exactly the same as Jane ate lunch with her father.
The ability to unravel a complicated story and tell it with this simplicity, I think, is the most valuable skill a writer can have.
There are some other golden tips in On Writing I had never thought about but have taken on board with gratitude.
He says “the road to hell is paved with adverbs”, and he is right, you don’t need to say “punched angrily” or “shouted loudly”, it looks clunky and the words are redundant.
The fact the puncher is angry should be obvious from the writing, and if it is not, the writer needs to go back to the drawing board.
King also, and this might seem obvious, claims one of the most important ingredient a writer can include in his prose is an element of interest and relevance to the reader.
And this is where the title of this blog entry comes in.
There are many aspiring writers who stand up at public aurations, he says, and proceed to spew a diatribe of nonsense that means nothing to anyone than the person who wrote it.
Convoluted angsty poems about personal tragedy that nobody really cares about or, here it comes, “my angry lesbian breasts”.
A lesbian's breasts may be angry but who really cares, and the lesbian may be angry but they are still her breasts – according to the great man anyway.
On Writing has rekindled not just my love for Stephen King's storytelling, but also for the art of writing and a desire to improve and be more adventurous.
So oh great one, with fingers poised over my keyboard, I renounce my angry lesbian breasts..and salute you.
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